Have you ever felt stumped by those confounded P.C. Police's arguments? Ever felt backed in to a wall with no place to go, no facts or evidence with which to support your claims? Have no fear, for thanks to a recent breakthrough in argumentative philosophy we now have The Drumpf Debater, a simple five-step program just for you!
Q: In your last statement, you said [insert wild unsupported claim about minority]. However, [rational argument or resource] would indicate that [counterargument].
Now at this point, you may begin sweating or moving your lips and eyebrows in tandem like Jim Carrey warming up for a two-hour standup at Caesar's Palace. However, this is not the time to panic. Stay calm, and follow my instruction.
Step 1. Deny accountability, and win over the crowd.
A: "You know, that is completely wrong. All I can say is that is wrong. You're lying, and you know what? I've got dozens, dozens of [insert object of racism] who come up to me every day and say, You know, [insert name here] you're doing such a wonderful job, you've really opened up the dialogue, and I think that's [fantastic, terrific, wonderful or amazing], don't you? I mean, [address imagined supporters] isn't that just [fantastic, terrific, wonderful or amazing]?."
Step 2. Now that you've completely destroyed their credibility, bring up an issue that is completely unrelated, to distract and confound your verbal assailant.
A: "And you know what, we've got [other unrelated ethic or religious group that isn't an orange, anglo saxon protestant] over here, and they're doing terrible things. Just terrible. [flap your little hands like a turkey] We've GOT to figure out what's going on people. We've Got to! It's terrible!
Step 3. Purse your lips and nod like a bobblehead in self-satisfaction at having successfully destroyed your opponent with your superior debate skills. If they begin to speak, speak over and ignore your confused opponent's attempt to steer the debate back onto course.
A: "And you know what, I'm a self funder. I fund myself. My contributors are [name any number of private funds, conveniently excluding parents, or if it applies to you, most likely embezzled corporate funds]. I'm the only person who does that, and I have a lot of [money, dandruff shampoo, cars, whatever meaningless item upon which you base your self worth]. And I'm going to [name bizarre and logistically impossible project, like building an enormous structure].
Step 4. Now that you've once again left your opponent behind, keep going strong, and end with a bang. Confirm to everyone in the room just how great you are. It always helps to point a finger at another debater to refocus their attentions, and prove your maturity.
A: I'm going to be harder, I'm going to be the best. I'm going to do big things. I'm going to do really big things with the biggest things. I have the best words. I'm going to make [insert slogan stolen from previous campaign] because I [state belief or action that proves moral superiority]. I don't think anyone in here [state the alternative to your action.] Well, maybe [object of slander] does, but I don't know. I'm just saying maybe [he/she] does, but I don't know.
Step 5. Raise your hands in a big shrug and do the ducklips, and then grab the table or podium before you, thankful to have confused and bungled your way through yet another debate, a technique comparable to a high school student with one eye on the clock, wasting time while the seconds tick by in the desperate hope that you don't have to say anything of importance before the bell rings.
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